Choose Happiness

Thank you, Fawn Weaver, Happy Wives Club for this guest post!

To The Happy Wives Club:  “I wanted to let you know how encouraging your website is! [http://www.happywivesclub.com/]  I am a newlywed who has been married for a month, and it has been the best month of my life. I absolutely love marriage and my husband, and I know it will continue to get better with time. I am amazed by the number of women at work and in other places who have told me how difficult marriage is and how "the first year is the worst." I am determined to remain a happy wife and to avoid falling into the trap of negativity towards my husband. Thank you for showing me I am not alone!”  

This note articulated exactly how I felt the first few years of my marriage.  Not long after my husband, Keith, and I first said “I do” we were confronted by negative comments about marriage everywhere we turned.  I was dumbfounded by the number of friends, family members and casual acquaintances who would make comments with regard to how difficult marriage is and how once the “honeymoon phase” ends we will need to face the realities of marriage.  We heard about everything from the ‘first year blues’ to the ‘seven year itch.’  It was incredibly rare to hear someone speak encouraging words to us about lifelong love and marriage.  It was even rarer to hear the words “Happiness” and marriage used in the same sentence.  But there was at least one time I can remember and that conversation has remained with me for all our married years.

A few months after we were married, Keith and I were at a couples retreat called Dayspring.  Following one of the sessions, we were riding in the crowded elevator back to our hotel room.  As usual, Keith’s arms were wrapped around my shoulders and my head was buried into his chest.  One of the women on the ride observing our affection began doing what so many had done before her, “Hold on to that.  It won’t last long…”  Before she could even finish her less-than-positive statement, another woman added her two cents: “Happiness is a choice.  My husband and I have been married 29 years and we have chosen to be happy.  Every morning when we wake up we choose to enjoy our day with each other.  We choose to be happy.”  With that, she looked Keith and I square in the eyes and said, “Choose to be happy and it will last.”

Her words were heaven sent.  They were like pouring rain on the Mohave Desert.  They gave us hope that in spite of all the negative comments so often heard, there were those who still believed in the power of marriage.  We determined that day in spite of all the negative connotations associated with marriage we would choose to be happy and to enjoy every moment of our life together.  It is a choice.  We’ve made that choice for nearly 8 years now and continue to make it each and every day.

What you and I consider happiness may vary greatly.  But what we have in common is we both know what happiness means to us.  Have you made the choice to be happy in your marriage?  To enjoy every moment of your limited time together?  If not, you don’t know what you’re missing.  Happiness is a choice – so choose it!

Rate Your Marriage

How good is your marriage? Is it a 5-Star Union or are you on the brink of disaster? Answer these ten questions and you'll find your score. Partners should take the test individually then average their totals together.

A. Do you feel distant or disconnected from your spouse?

1. all the time
2. frequently
3. occasionally
4. rarely
5. never

B. How often do you get a night out together?

1. fewer than six times a year
2. maybe six times a year
3. once or twice a quarter
4. once or twice a week
5. at least once a week

C. When was the last time you had a heart-to-heart talk?

1. I can't remember
2. last month
3. last week
4. a few days ago
5. today

D.  When was the last time you made love?

1. I can't remember
2. last month
3. last week
4. a few days ago
5. today

E. How much touching do you engage in outside of sexual intercourse?

1. We hardly ever touch
2. We almost never kiss but sometimes we hold hands
3. We hug and kiss occasionally, but mostly hold hands, massage, pat, etc.
4. We hug and kiss and fondle at least once a day
5. We touch whenever we're near each other

F. How much time do you spend actively interacting each day?

1. less than 10 minutes
2. 10 to 15 minutes
3. 15 to 30 minutes
4. 30 to 60 minutes
5. more than an hour

G. How frequently do you argue?

1. whenever we're together
2. almost every day
3. at least once a week
4. more than once a month
5. I can't remember the last time

H. When we argue, I feel:

1. There's no point in discussing it; I shut down
2. We probably will not reach an agreeable conclusion
3. We may or may not be able to work through it
4. It's discordant in the moment, but later we come to an agreement
5. We have the tools to resolve it quickly and effectively

I. How would you rank your emotional intimacy with each other?

1. I can't stand to be near my spouse
2. I used to like my partner but find it difficult to be together now
3. We like being together when we can find the time
4. We are best friends who unfortunately get busy with life
5. We are extremely close

J. How would you rank your physical intimacy with each other?

1. a black hole
2. a dark night
3. a bit cloudy, but I can still see the moon
4. a cloudless night with a full moon and plenty of stars
5. fireworks and shooting stars

To rate your marriage, add up the numbers you circled (i.e., 5 points for marking #5; 4 points for marking #4,and so forth.) Double your score. That's your percentage. Now average your percentage with your spouse's.

90-100%  Five Stars! Celebrate your success!
80-90%    You're doing well, but still have room to grow
70-80%    A pretty mediocre result; definitely needs improvement
60-70%    Oh dear! Make some commitments to nurture your relationship
50-60%    It's not hopeless, but it will take a lot of work to get back on track

What is your Marriage Worth?

If you had to put a price on how marriage, how much would it be? Would it be valued at a million dollars or more? What about putting a time value on your marriage? How many hours is your marriage worth?

Dustin Reichmann, author of 15-Minute Marriage Makeover, points
out that it only takes 1% of our day to keep our relationships healthy and refreshed. It seems like so little to ask. Yet many couples struggle from day to day without even committing a quarter of an hour to building the relationship.

Marriage expert John Gottman relates in his Seven Principles to Make Marriage Work that the couples who were successful AFTER visiting his Seattle Love Lab only devoted five hours per week more than the unsuccessful couples in defending their marriage.

Here's an excerpt from his book:

"When we followed up on couples who attended our Seattle
workshops, we wondered what would distinguish those couples
whose marriages continued to improve from those whose marriages
did not. Would we find that the successful group had dramatically
overhauled their lives? Far from it. To our surprise, we discovered
that they were devoting only an extra five hours a week to their
marriage. Although each couple had their own style of spending
these extra five hours, some clear patterns emerged....The approach works so
phenomenally well that I've come to call it the Magic Five Hours.

Here's how you can do it, too:
Partings. Make sure that before you say good-bye in the morning
you've learned about one thing that is happening in your spouse's life
that day--from lunch with the boss to a doctor's appointment to a
scheduled phone call with an old friend.
Time: 2 minutes a day x 5 working days
Total: 10 minutes

Reunions. Be sure to engage in a stress-reducing conversation at the
end of each workday (see page 87).
Time: 20 minutes a day x 5 days
Total: 1 hour 40 minutes

Admiration and appreciation. Find some way every day to
communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your
spouse.
Time: 5 minutes a day x 7 days
Total: 35 minutes

Affection. Kiss, hold, grab, and touch each other during the time
you're together. Make sure to kiss each other before going to sleep.
Think of that kiss as a way to let go of any minor irritations that have
built up over the day In other words, lace your kiss with forgiveness
and tenderness for your partner.
Time: 5 minutes a day x 7 days
Total: 35 minutes

Weekly date. This can be a relaxing, low-pressure way to stay
connected. Ask each other questions that let you update your love
maps and turn toward each other. (Of course, you can also use these
dates to talk out a marital issue or work through an argument you
had that week, if necessary.) Think of questions to ask your spouse
(like "Are you still thinking about redecorating the bedroom?"
"Where should we take our next vacation?" or "How are you feeling
about your boss these days?").
Time: 2 hours once a week
Total: 2 hours
Grand Total: Five hours!

As you can see, the amount of time involved in incorporating
these changes into your relationship is quite minimal. Yet these five
hours will help enormously in keeping your marriage on track.
Remember, working briefly on your marriage
every day will do more for your health and longevity
than working out at a health club."

You are Amazing!

How many ways is your partner amazing? Show appreciation through this maze-based date:

The Invitation: The are many heart-shaped mazes and love-themed mazes available in activity books and on the web. Copy one onto cardstock and write "You are amazing!" across it.

The Activity: Here are just a few suggestions. You can get lost in a corn maze, play The Amazing Race game with other couples, rent Labyrinth (1986 movie with David Bowie) or hold a labyrinth tournament. If you don't have this simple game, make your own out of a box lid and pipe cleaners, skewers or licorice ropes glued down to create pathways. Punch holes and add marbles. Roll the marbles from one end of the maze to the other without losing them down the holes.

Treats: Gather random candies. Add grahams and or cake/donuts and some icing tubes and have a contest to see who can make the most a-mazing food creation. Eat the entries after you have judged them.

Labyrinth of praise: At the end of the evening, lead your partner to a room where you have set up a web of strings. This is done by taking several lengths of yarn and winding them around the room, weaving under furniture, over obstacles, around shelves, etc. Each string will have notes attached to both ends. In order to read all the messages, your partner will have to follow a strings from their beginnings to their ends. Note messages can be simple thoughts, such as:
You amaze me because....you are multi-talented, a hard-worker, and good-looking.
I am amazed by....your creativity and your charisma.
Our love is amazing because....we make such a great team.
You have given me the amazing gift...of acceptance and friendship.

10 Way to Ramp up the Romance Tonight!

1. Greet your spouse at the door with a heartfelt kiss after work.
2. Have a favorite meal on the table when your spouse arrives.
3. Ask your spouse how the day went and really LISTEN.
4. Tell your spouse something you appreciate about him or her.
5. Offer to give him or her a foot massage or back rub after dinner.
6. Leave a quick note or a favorite candy bar on your spouse's pillow.
7. Offer to do one of your spouse's chores.
8. Look your spouse in the eyes and remember how you felt when you first fell in love.
9. Say "I'm sorry," for something insensitive your said or did.
10. Say "I love you."
Watch what happens when you successfully complete the list!

SWEET Time Together!

Does your spouse love candy? Grab some other couples who have a sweet-tooth, too and send out the invitations with candy bars attached. The note could read something like this:

Hey there, BIG HUNK (or BABY RUTH)
Thinking of our next date give me the SNICKERS. We'll have MOUNDS of fun. Next PAYDAY we'll meet the 3 MUSKETEERS and their dates (not NERDS) to go adventuring under the MILKY WAY. Can't wait! KISSES from your BIT O' HONEY.

Pick a few of these activities for the big night:

• Find the WATCHAMACALLIT: This is basically a treasure hunt, scavenger hunt, or geo-caching with the prize being...you guessed it. Make sure there is one candy bar for each participant.
• SKITTLES: Place one fewer candies in the center of the table than there are players. Deal a deck of card around the table. On the signal, players pass an unwanted card to the left and pick up a new card from the right. As soon as any one player has four of a kind, he or she sneaks a Skittle. Others stow away candies, too, as soon as they notice one missing. The object is not to be the one who gets none. Play several rounds, until everyone is tired of eating Skittles.
• BUTTERFINGERS: In this version of Musical Chairs, players pass a pair of gloves and a candy bar that has been wrapped in multiple layers of wrapping paper. When the music stops, the player holding the goods has to don the gloves and take off one layer only of wrapping paper. The music begins again and so does the passing. The winner is the person who unwraps the final layer, revealing a ...BUTTERFINGER.
• Pass the PIECES: This is a relay. Each team has a cup full of REESE'S PIECES at the starting line and an empty cup at the finish. Players, each holding a straw, form a line along the path from start to finish. On the signal, the first player sucks a candy from the cup and holds it on his straw while the second player attempts to suck it from him. She then holds it on her straw while the third player sucks it away. On down the line, the candy is passed until the last player retrieves it and drops it into the empty cup. The winning team is the first one to transfer all the candies down the line.
• Oh what JOY!: Have fun making homemade Almond Joy bars together. There are several good recipes on the internet.

For added delight, put a SKOR bar on your partner's pillow just before bedtime. May you and your friends enjoy this date night GOOD AND PLENTY.

Parable of the Apple Trees

Three young men were discussing their apple trees as summer began. The first man boasted of the quantity of fruit on the branches. "The little tree, she's loaded. Never ever seen so many apples."

His companions shook their heads, and one queried, "Did you prune it? Cull it?"

"Why would I do that?" answered the first. "The fruit is beautiful and sweet. It would ruin the tree to cut it back. Besides, it's the spraying that insures good fruit."

The second man guffawed. "Spraying is a waste. My fruit's dandy, and I didn't spray."

The third chimed in, "I agree. I don't do anything 'cept mow around it. Backyard fruit's cheap and easy. Just go out an' harvest when you're hungry. That's all there is to it."

So the season progressed, with none of the three young men paying any heed to their valiant trees. The days grew shorter and the nights grew chillier. Then one frosty evening when the moon was full, a snap sounded in the still air. The first man ran to his yard to find what was amiss. His burdened tree was split, right in half. Branches were draped over the lawn and apples were sprawled across the moonlit ground.

With angst, he examined the tree, but it seemed impossible to heal it now. There was nothing to do but abandon it.

Not long after, the second man gathered his bushel baskets and headed toward his tree to collect some of the sweetness he envisioned to be waiting there. But apple after apple turned out to be wormy, and in the end, he had nothing but empty baskets to return home with.

When the third man came to his tree, he found grass choking its trunk. To his dismay, he realized that insects, which crawled through the thick damp grass, had gnawed their way under the bark of the tree. The leaves were curly and withered, some of the branches bare and lifeless. The sickly, struggling tree was more dead than alive. It would be good for nothing but a bonfire.

"Many people there are...who do not find divorce attorneys and who do not end their marriages, but who have permitted their marriages to grow stale and weak and cheap. There are spouses who have fallen from the throne of adoration and worship and are in the low state of mere joint occupancy of the home, joint sitters at the table, joint possessors of certain things which cannot be easily divided. These people are on the path that leads to trouble. These people will do well to reevaluate, to renew their courting, to express their affection, to acknowledge kindnesses, and to increase their consideration so their marriage again can become beautiful, sweet, and growing." Spencer W. Kimball

"The best insurance against an unhappy or failed marriage is to make a commitment not only to the marriage, but, more important, to growth in the marriage." David K. Whitmer

"A strong marriage is not something that once built, can be neglected; rather it must be nurtured daily." Kevin Galbraith