Stations

Want a date that is cheap, fun and emotionally rewarding? "Stations" is a way to meet all three wishes.
Pick any activity that allows for stopping along the way. For example:

• Miniature or regulation golf
• Frisbee golf
• A walk or hike where there are benches, rest areas, scenic overlooks, etc.
• Window-shopping with multiple targeted stores
• Scavenger or treasure hunt
• Weight-lifting or calisthenics routine
• A fair with various game and food booths

At each of the stations, both partners read and share answers to one of the questions below:

• What was one of the happiest memories in our relationship?
• When have I felt especially close to you, my spouse?
• What three things do you to please me the most?
• What two things do I think you would like me to do more often?
• What two things do would I like you to do more often?
• What is something that has significantly affected the direction of our lives together?

Bridge Building

Vibrant marriage means not letting the days and weeks wedge distance and complacency between the partners. Like a loaf of bread, marriage is best hot and fresh, not stale and crumbling. The questions below, which come from social worker Kenneth Matheson, help couples to keep their connection healthy and powerful. Answer alone or together, then discuss your responses with each other.

• What are the qualities which made you special to me when we first met?
• What are the qualities which make you special to me now?
• What do I appreciate most about you?
• Do I see and accept you as you are? Explain
• If I could influence a change in you, it would be in the area of ...
• What do I appreciate most about us as a couple?
• In what area do I find it most difficult to listen to you? What are my feelings about this?
• Name a time when I experienced intimacy with you. What are my feelings as I recall that time now?
• What feelings do I have that are most difficult for me to share with you because it makes me vulnerable?
• I know you appreciate me for...
• I know the areas you would like me to improve on would be...
• What do we most need to talk about to grow in our relationship?
• How do I feel about the role of God in our relationship?
• In order to make our relationship a priority, what am I going to do specifically?

Unmet Expectations

It is easy to be disappointed because a spouse is not meeting your expectations. But it is altogether possible that he or she is not even aware of these expectations. Perhaps you assume he will balance the checkbook or that she will have dinner on the table when you arrive home. Then frustration arises when it doesn't occur. The exercise below is designed to help both of you identify expectations, rank them in importance and coordinate a method to meet them.

On separate sheets of paper, each partner itemizes 20 or 25 expectations. These can be anything from trivial actions like flushing the toilet, to ideological standards, like adopting a certain religious belief system. The most important step of the exercise is to then pick two or three expectations that are "non-negotiable." These would be the items you are unwilling to budge on - that the spouse needs to measure up to in order to keep the marriage relationship afloat. 

Next each partner ranks the remaining items from most important to least important. Then it is time to compare lists and dialogue about those areas that are critical to each partner. Calibration occurs as one spouse adjusts something that is simply not vital to him or her in order to meet the priority of the companion. For example, a husband may not be interested in shopping at all, but the wife may need to visit out-of-town textile shops for a work or service opportunity and prefers to have her best friend accompany her. The husband agrees to go along since it is a high priority for her. But in another area, she lets go of a preference that he does not enjoy simply because it is a lower priority and she need not insist that he meet that expectation.

The comparing of values is what makes the exercise work. But don't assume that because the exercise has been completed once, it never needs to be addressed again. Expectations change and it is wise to communicate on a regular basis, reviewing and altering the lists as needed.

The Most Important Thing

If you could change just one aspect of your marriage, what would be most important? Would it be communication skills, intimacy, money management, approaches to problem-solving or child discipline? After a survey of many books and articles, Pampered Partners suggests that the single most important thing you can do to strengthen your marriage is to care. Care about your spouse. Care about the marriage. Care more than you do about your own needs.

This is NOT to say a person should become a doormat, abandoning all self-preservation in an abusive situation. Rather, it means truly showing interest in your partner and his or her dreams, disappointments, and desires - the way you did when you were courting! Remember the things you did when you were falling in love? Those are the ingredients that demonstrate you are invested in your marriage. The acronym below reminds you of the vital ways to express just how much your spouse means to you.

C - Connection points: these are the established daily and weekly rituals when you bond, such as good-bye kisses, welcome home hugs, regular date nights, mid-day phone calls, etc.
A - Allotted time to discuss each others' concerns, triumphs, daily events: Individuals have to schedule appointments to conference with doctors, lawyers, teachers, counselors, etc. Is it a priority for you to schedule time with your spouse? This can be 20 minutes at the end of each day, or an hour or two on the weekend.
R - Religious communion: The triangle is the strongest shape. Those who make God part of a three-way covenant relationship are shown statistically to have sturdier marriages than those who do not. Since marriage has been appointed and sanctioned by God, it would be foolish to suppose that God does not buttress those seeking divine help.
E - Emotional deposits: Research says that a person needs five positive validations to counteract every negative message sent to him. In a world of cynicism and criticism, are you a cheerleader or a referee? We can bolster our partners with quick, consistent messages, such as, "I appreciate you," "I am sorry," "You are beautiful," "I can't wait to spend time with you," "Thank you," and "I'm glad to be married to you." Try sending these messages not only verbally, but through notes, gifts, touch and time spent together.

What would you do?

Date night doesn't necessarily mean going somewhere for entertainment. A date snuggling in front of a fire, sharing insights about each other can be very meaningful. You will need pencil and paper for this cozy exchange.

Answer the questions below twice: once for how you would respond and again for how you think your partner would respond. Compare answers. The partner who most accurately predicts the spouse's answers gets a massage!

• What would you do if you were awarded a prestigious honor for your life's work?
• What would you do if you were caught in a broken elevator with 6 other strangers?
• What would you do if you inherited a vast sum from a distant relative?
• What would you do if you were mugged at gunpoint in a dark, deserted street?
• What would you do if you were evacuated from your home on a moment's notice?
• What would you do if you found yourself stranded on a deserted island?
• What would you do if you had no restraints of time or resources?
• What would you do if you found a million dollars on your doorstep?
• What would you do if your spouse were to become permanently disabled?
• What would you do if you knew you had just 24 hours to live?

Feel free to add more questions of your own!

Child's Play

Are you feeling distant from your spouse - like you hardly know him or her any more? This game is guaranteed to get you sharing again!

At a garage sale or thrift store, pick up a child's board game, such as Chutes and Ladders, Candy Land or Sorry. Grab a marker and start filling in squares with disclosures like these:

• your favorite toy as a child
• a good deed you did
• a place you would love to visit
• something you saw today
• something you would create if you had limitless resources
• phrases that make you angry
• an inner fear
• a favorite restaurant
• a recent joke you heard
• your favorite song or book
• what you would tell the president if you met him

Make the list as long and personal as you can. Then play! Each player has to disclose what is asked for the square landed on. If someone lands on a square twice, he or she must tell something different the second time.

"Lights, Camera, Action"

All you need for this date is some creativity and a camera. Just remember, the story comes last!

Pick a unique location and see what poses for still shots you can come up with. The crazier the better. Try displaying many different emotions and engaging in a variety of novel activities. You can takes turns being cameraman or star, or grab another couple so you can be in the photos together.

When you have a card full of shots, put them on the computer, organize them into a story and write the script to go with it! If a group of couples do this, part of the activity can be sharing your end result with each other.

Toss Up

Decide your date by flipping a coin! Each of you fill out a form with options like these:

• Location (park, library, parking lot, back yard, home, lobby of a public building, etc.)
• Activity (card game, lawn game, reading a book together, charades, photo shoot, etc.)
• Dinner option (take-out, restaurant, home-cooked)
• Type of dinner (American, Italian, Mexican, other ethnic)
• After-dinner event (movie, walk, bedroom time, etc.)

 Then toss the coin for each decision to see who wins!