It is easy to be disappointed because a spouse is not meeting your expectations. But it is altogether possible that he or she is not even aware of these expectations. Perhaps you assume he will balance the checkbook or that she will have dinner on the table when you arrive home. Then frustration arises when it doesn't occur. The exercise below is designed to help both of you identify expectations, rank them in importance and coordinate a method to meet them.
On separate sheets of paper, each partner itemizes 20 or 25 expectations. These can be anything from trivial actions like flushing the toilet, to ideological standards, like adopting a certain religious belief system. The most important step of the exercise is to then pick two or three expectations that are "non-negotiable." These would be the items you are unwilling to budge on - that the spouse needs to measure up to in order to keep the marriage relationship afloat.
Next each partner ranks the remaining items from most important to least important. Then it is time to compare lists and dialogue about those areas that are critical to each partner. Calibration occurs as one spouse adjusts something that is simply not vital to him or her in order to meet the priority of the companion. For example, a husband may not be interested in shopping at all, but the wife may need to visit out-of-town textile shops for a work or service opportunity and prefers to have her best friend accompany her. The husband agrees to go along since it is a high priority for her. But in another area, she lets go of a preference that he does not enjoy simply because it is a lower priority and she need not insist that he meet that expectation.
The comparing of values is what makes the exercise work. But don't assume that because the exercise has been completed once, it never needs to be addressed again. Expectations change and it is wise to communicate on a regular basis, reviewing and altering the lists as needed.
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